Accountant-speak.

A sampling of quotes at the office, dating back to 2009:

 

"My nose is watering." 

* * * * *

"You looked like a cat, or something scary."

* * * * *

"I don't know how this happened, but I woke up this morning." 

* * * * *

"So I guess I can't put my hand warmers back in my bra."  (said during a meeting with a client)

* * * * *

J: (stands up and sees M) "I was going to ask you something earlier…"
M: "How to unfreeze pipes? You use a hair drier."

* * * * *

"This is how I always watch the news (muted). I just need to make up my own stories."

* * * * *

A: "I slapped myself this morning."
B: "Literally?"
A: "Yes, it helped. You should try it some time."

* * * * *

"I sometimes think there really are monsters. I picture them as gangsters."

* * * * *

 "You know what Vista is? It's like a bad date. At first it's enticing and full of new features, but then it just keeps shutting you down."

* * * * *

"I can't help if I have a disorder called 'I need at least 5 hours of sleep a night'"

* * * * *

"Busy season is like having multiple children. You forget the pain until you are right in the middle of it again. At first you are like, Bring it on! Then you're like, Who did this to me?!"

* * * * *

"I totally just swallowed down my nose."

* * * * *

Male co-worker: "I used to be a stud muffin."
Female co-worker #1: "Now you're just a bran muffin."
Female co-worker #2: "Well, at least he's got good fiber."

* * * * *

"Did you know that at the restaurant that I went to, the po' boy sandwich was $5. If you po', you ain't paying no $5 for no sandwich."

* * * * *

Co-worker #M to co-worker #N: "Did you have too much sugar again today?"
Co-worker #O:  "You do look awfully tan."

* * * * *

“I wonder how much my life would change if I went on Adderall.”

* * * * *

“I thought you said that’s extra kinky and then I was wondering why I was missing that conversation…”

* * * * *

“I think I’m bi-polar – Veggie Monster one day and Cookie Monster the next.”

* * * * *

“I’m supposed to stop drinking. Well, at least that’s what I told myself this morning.”

* * * * *

(a few days before April 15) “I love this time of year! It’s so easy to get high. All you have to do is get something to balance.”

* * * * *

“It’s kind of like that – wait – what’s the saying? ‘FUBAR’? No, maybe just ‘user error’.”

* * * * *

S: “I want a snuggie.”
T: (disgusted look) “You what?!”
(S looks at her questioningly)
T: “What am I thinking of?  Oh, yeah, wedgie!  I was thinking you told us you had a wedgie and was wondering why you were telling everyone that!”

* * * * *

“I’ve been slightly sick for a long time.  I hope I don’t have cancer.”

* * * * *

(on phone to tech support) “I’m calling to report a couple printer issues…yeah, sure, it’s MIN – M as in Mary, I as in I…”

* * * * *

“I’m black.  I’m just albino.”

* * * * *

Co-worker who is five months preganant: “I keep looking at my stomach and thinking, Wow, I’m getting fat because I keep forgetting.  I mean sometimes I will feel bloated, but I can suck it in but now it’s like something is in there.  And then I remember, Wait, there is something in there!

* * * * *

H: “Did you just ask me a question that I ignored?”
J: “Not that I recall.”
H: “Oh, ok, I’m not surprised.  I’ve been seeing bugs too.  I’ve thought this paper clip was a cockroach several times today and have freaked out.”

* * * * *
 

And now, my favorite… 
 

"It tastes like cat food without the salty after-taste."

This entry was posted in Accounting, Silliness. Bookmark the permalink.

0 Responses to Accountant-speak.

  1. Linda says:

    OMG! You’ve got me laughing my arse off again!! Too funny!! It’s good to know your job can be good for something — comic relief!! Have a great day, Kat!

  2. Oh my god- that honestly had me laughing out loud. That must be the most hilarious accounting office in the world!

  3. Kym says:

    And people don’t think CPAs have a sense of humor! 🙂

  4. Erika says:

    I do miss the silly-ass things coworkers say! I once had a coworker who would mangle colloquial sayings into unrecognizable forms. One that I remember is, “It can’t cut the pudding” for something unsatisfactory.
    People would be all, “But she’s Chinese, English is her second language, give her a break!” And then I would point out that she’d been living in America speaking English for 45 years, which was longer than any of us (at the time).

  5. Teri S. says:

    Loved it! Sadly, humor is something that is missing a work these days. Everyone is beyond crispy. Thanks for the laugh!

  6. Mary Lou says:

    Oh man – that’s hippie chick speak for this is so damned funny.

  7. Soxanne says:

    LOL!
    I think I’ll try watching the news that way…

  8. bullwinkle says:

    Omg. Your co-workers are FUN?

  9. Sheepish Annie says:

    I laughed myself senseless! Those are some good ones. We write stuff down in my classroom like that all year and then read it to the kids on the last day. It is so funny!

  10. Carrie#K says:

    Balance? Whose books are those? I WANT THEM.

  11. Heather says:

    Heh. Sounds a lot like our office!

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